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April is the loveliest month, because if everything goes according to plan, you can finally get your neighbors to shut up about snow. Every year, Americans waste 7.2 billion man-hours moaning about snow, obsessing about snow, devising cunning new strategies to foil the snow.

Nothing makes people run their mouths more than the daunting specter of a good snowstorm. Old-timers spin tall tales about the epic storms of yesteryear, with snow piled so high you could climb up on the roof and see the coast of Venezuela. They…