Why Our Mental Health Takes a Village

Since birth, other people have helped us adjust our moods. Think of how a baby stops crying when picked up by a parent. As adults, we often seek out people who can help us in specific situations: comfort us when we’re down, calm us when we’re angry, motivate us when we need to compete, celebrate with us when we’re happy. Researchers call this interpersonal emotional regulation.

People with different friends who help them moderate specific moods report better well-being and greater satisfaction in life, according to two studies by researchers at Northwestern University and the University of California, Santa Barbara, published together in December 2014 in the journal “Social Psychological and Personality Science.” The researchers call these friends “emotional specialists.”

Typically, the people we enlist to help us moderate our emotions are ones we believe care about us, says Margaret Clark, a professor of psychology at Yale, who studies interpersonal emotional regulation. “Trust is important because it determines if we will seek or accept another person’s emotion-regulation attempt,” she adds.

But it’s not enough just to be close to someone. Not everyone has the emotional skill to help us in every situation, Dr. Clark says. The friend who can fire you up before a competition might not be the best one to cry to when you’re heartbroken.

Too often, people don’t think about the strength of their social networks until an emotional event happens, says Elaine Cheung, a post-doctoral fellow in the medical social sciences department at Northwestern University’s Feinberg School of Medicine, in Chicago, and lead researcher on the studies cited above. She advises taking stock of the emotional “specialties” of the people in your support network and filling any vacancies. You might need more people in your village or someone with particular skills.

How can you add to or maintain your village? Here is some advice from relationship experts.

Ask yourself some questions. Traci Ruble, a relationship and family therapist in San Francisco, suggests: What are my interests and what qualities am I looking for in friends? Do I want people who are physically available or do I care more about emotional depth? (Typically, people want a little of both, she says.) Is there a specific topic I need support on, such as money, parenting or empty nesting?

She recommends joining a club, signing up for a class or volunteering, because regular contact fosters intimacy—and knowing that you are going to see someone supportive can moderate your mood in advance. Also, don’t forget that there often are people right in front of you who care and would like to be closer. “When was the last time you called your cousins?” Ms. Ruble asks.

Add some professionals to your network. A therapist is a good start, especially if you have specific issues to work on, but building a diversified portfolio of expert support is better. Consider adding a life coach, religious counselor, yoga teacher, nutritionist, personal trainer, meditation teacher, massage therapist, or work mentor to your network. “Get the person who will help you change your day-to-day life, not someone who will simply give you someone to talk to,” says Amanda Crowell, a coach and consultant in Glen Ridge, N.J., who helps people and organizations manage change.

Pruning the ranks of your supporters is as vital as cultivating them, says Yale’s Dr. Clark. If someone is selfish, negative or undermining, don’t look to that person for support.

Sometimes complete strangers can help us moderate our moods, too. I was reminded of this recently after a flight was delayed several hours. Stuck at the terminal, I was sinking deeper into grumpiness when the woman sitting next to me offered me a homemade cookie and asked about the book I was reading. We chatted about our favorite authors, the delay and our fellow passengers, and I cheered right up.

For a moment, it was a beautiful emotionship.

(When it comes to our mental wellbeing, research suggests that it takes a village of supportive people with varied emotional skills. Does this describe your social network? Email us at socialmedia@wsj.com with your comments.)

—Write to Elizabeth Bernstein at elizabeth.bernstein@wsj.com or follow her on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram at EBernsteinWSJ.